https://gonzoreport.substack.com/p/apr-5-2026
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Dearly beloved,
By now, most of you likely assumed I had been abducted by aliens, or that the great deal of time I spent away was due to my being trapped beneath something heavy.
I wish I could say either were true. I sure could have used a vacation. No, I’ve been around. You may have occasionally spotted me hanging out over in the Notes aisle. I needed a little time to work some things out.
Here’s what I can tell you for certain: I left, the world got worse, and now I’m back.
You can draw your own conclusions about causality.
But for now, I’m itching to hop back on the bike and see if I still remember how to ride this fucking thing. Chain is rusty. Tires need air. Horn honks though. You can ride on my handlebars. Be cool. Don’t make it weird.
I missed you. Thanks for leaving the light on for me.
Now let’s cause some trouble.
Oh, but do tell me more about how he’s just like Jesus…
Trump posted his most unhinged threats against Iran yet, in what can only be described as the single most dignified Easter morning social media post by a “president” ever.
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Wham. Bam. Fuck you, Pam.
What do you get when you mix toxic landfill runoff and excess grease trap waste from a Mar-a-Lago buffet with whatever septic detritus lies at the bottom of Steve Bannon’s laundry hamper? You get a badly-aging, sun-damaged, unemployed golem like now former Attorney General, Pamela Jo Bondi. Big Orange shitcanned Tyrannosaurus bitch despite her covering for him on the whole Trump-is-a-fucking-pedophile thing. All I can say is that I wish her the absolute worst and hope she ends up in a prison cell someday, right between King Incontinence and the Couch Fucker.
Hey, these bombs ain’t gonna pay for themselves, alright?
Trump again proposed major cuts to federal K-12 education programs, including $2.2 billion in teacher professional development, $890 million in ESL services, and $1.4 billion in academic enrichment programs—zeroing out all Congressionally approved funding. Between the ballooning deficit, the mind-blowing cost of his war, the roughly billion dollars of taxpayer money he’s spending to renovate his White House “forever home,” and the billions of dollars he’s already stolen or allowed others to, there’s no money left for things like education, school lunches, childcare, food and nutrition programs, healthcare, infrastructure, housing assistance, emergency disaster response, or clean drinking water, you big silly!
These goddamn Nazis are back on their bullshit.
DHS/ICE is stockpiling a $50 million arsenal of “less lethal” weapons including tear gas foggers that disperse chemical agents over an area the size of an Olympic swimming pool, scattershot projectiles (the kind that blinded 400 Chilean protesters,) and 13,000 high‑intensity acoustic weapons producing 175‑decibel blasts which can instantly cause permanent hearing loss. All because we oppose Nazis kidnapping people and throwing them into concentration camps.
We already knew he makes really bad decisions. I mean, have you seen his tattoos?
Hegseth lifted the ban on troops carrying personal firearms on military bases. Amid record-low morale and widespread anxiety about the US-Israel war crimes in Iran—a policy guaranteed to increase gun violence and suicides among service members sounds exactly like what was needed right now. Whew! Good thing Hegseth is Secretary of War right now—imagine if we had some fucking idiot running the show.
Join the US Army for their Grand Wizard opening of Racists ‘R’ Us
Speaking of this racist/sexist greaseball piece of shit, Hegseth blocked the promotions of two Black and two female colonels to one-star generals despite their status having earned the promotions through their exemplary service records. Dingus Khan’s chief of staff told the Army Secretary responsible for promotions that “Trump wouldn’t want to stand next to a Black female officer at public events.” And I just really can’t wait to see all these fuckers imprisoned for the rest of their meaningless, worthless lives.
If you expect you’ll be lied to then the US government will never disappoint you.
The Pentagon is lying about the numbers of US troop deaths from the “Trump is beholden to Netanyahu because of pedo stuff” war in Iran, lowballing and slow-walking casualty updates while refusing to put forth real numbers on how many American lives have already been sacrificed by these psychopaths since February 28, 2026. Independent analysis based on international reporting is putting the actual number anywhere between 750-2500 U.S. troops killed or wounded.
Let him go ahead and restore it. We can put him there.
Trump requested $152 million to restore Alcatraz as a federal prison, a project devoid of logic or reason, and one that experts say would cost over $2 billion, therefore, making no fiscal sense either. That is unless you’re a narcissistic grifter obsessed with locking brown people up in symbols of American decay.
Hey man, look—we’ve all blacked out in the back of a taxi before.
A top FEMA official, appointed by Trump, who has zero experience in disaster and recovery management despite now being in charge of ((— checks notes —)) disaster and recovery management, continues to claim he has been teleported by God to a Waffle House. That’s it. That’s the story. I can’t make it any weirder than it already is.
He likes people who weren’t captured, okay?
Close to 100,000 US veterans have fallen far behind on mortgage payments or are already in foreclosure after Trump killed the VA Servicing Purchase program, with more than 10,000 having already lost their homes. Tens of thousands more hang in the balance. This has earned him the title of “the most anti-veteran president in history” from Sen. Tammy Duckworth. I’ve got a lot of other titles for him.
Big Bird to Trump: Fuck you. Pay me.
A federal judge blocked Trump’s assault on NPR and PBS funding, ruling that his executive order violated the First Amendment, amounting to unconstitutional discrimination and political retaliation. In other words, Trump and Brendan Carr can FCC off. (Sorry.)
You’re so vain, you probably think this airport’s about you.
An airport near Mar-a-Lago was cleared to be renamed after Trump just hours before he unveiled plans for his Miami skyscraper presidential library which features a golden escalator and a golden statue of himself. He’s even launched a donation page for those who wish to help him fund it. I could come up with so many punchlines but they all make me want to punch myself.
Even wearing a 7’ tall dick costume, she still wasn’t the biggest prick in the squad car.
In a case of “not all heroes wear capes, some wear inflatable penis costumes,” a 62-year-old Alabama grandmother was assaulted by police, arrested, and charged for wearing an inflatable penis costume to a No Kings protest. When the cop asked for her name, she replied, “Aunt Tifa.” Rather than acknowledge they fucked up by violating her First Amendment rights and dropping the initial obscenity charges, prosecutors doubled down, adding additional charges. I guess dickheads are only allowed in public if they wear robes with pointy white hats.
And that, my friends, is where we leave it for now.
Did this count as cardio? Because I feel like this should’ve counted as cardio.
Always glad we did this,
—Zappa
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