https://thefuckingnews.substack.com/p/jesus-christ-they-drafted-jesus-christ/comments
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Reports from more than 30 U.S. military installations say commanders are framing the Iran War as a holy war, to trigger Armageddon, or even bring back Jesus
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EXCLUSIVE The long-simmering, volatile mix of gleeful U.S. militarism and Christian nationalism is exploding through the ranks of the U.S. military even as U.S. bombs are exploding people in Iran.
At more than 30 U.S. military installations, complaints from more than 40 different units have come in to the Military Religious Freedom Foundation (MRFF). At least 110 service members have reported commanders framing the war on Iran in Christian terms. At least one told the troops the Iran War is to bring back Jesus Christ, start Armageddon, and fulfill biblical prophecy of Pres. Donald Trump’s anointed role as God’s imperfect and racist and credibly-accused-of-rape messenger.
Neither the Pentagon nor God nor Jesus nor the Holy Grossed responded to my requests for comment, emailed in the case of the former, telepathic otherwise.
As I reported Monday night over on my original-reporting Substack (which you Newsfuckers support by subscribing to TFN!), one non-commissioned officer (NCO) told the MRFF that their commander literally said out loud with his Rapturous Jesus face:
“President Trump has been anointed by Jesus to light the signal fire in Iran to cause Armageddon and mark his return to Earth”
As any Bible scholar worth their Lot’s wife will tell you, whatever biblical “signal fire” prophecy that commander’s talking about apparently referred to a girls elementary school.
The commander’s remarks were not one-on-one or even three-in-one. This was at a briefing. Not a spiritual readiness briefing, a combat-readiness status briefing.
And not a combat-readiness status briefing led by a mature, sober commander; a combat-readiness status briefing alarmingly led, the NCO reported, by this guy:
He had a big grin on his face when he said all of this which made his message seem even more crazy.
The NCO told their account with the MRFF, writing in an email that the MRFF shared with me:
He urged us to tell our troops that this was “all part of God’s divine plan” and he specifically referenced numerous citations out of the Book of Revelation referring to Armageddon and the imminent return of Jesus Christ…
He has been this way for a very long time and makes it clear that he desires all of us under him to become just like him as a Christian. But what he did this morning was so toxic and over the line that it shocked many of us in attendance at the ops readiness briefing.
The NCO — a Christian, but not that kind of Christian — said they were writing on behalf of 15 others in their unit, including at least ten other Christians. There’s also a Jew and a Muslim, and God knows how many secret atheists, so basically it’s like every World War II movie that includes a tough but tender little wise-cracking guy from Brooklyn.
In case anyone needed reminding that this is not a holy war, this is all wholly illegal and now Trump’s war isn’t just war-powers unconstitutional, it’s also First Amendment unconstitutional.
One of the biggest dangers here is that Muslims around the world may now believe that Trump is waging war not on Iran but Islam. Then Trump will really have to watch his six six six.
And let us not forget, this happens every fucking time. The Iran Rapture crowd seems to have forgotten that literal Babylon is actually next door, and that they all did the same Jesus dance for the Iraq War.
You can read my report, with the NCO’s full email and the full MRFF statement (including enough vulgar language to make The Fucking News blush) over at my Jonathan Larsen Substack here.
You can support the MRFF — or, if you’re serving, ask them to be your savior from from Christian nationalism — here.
MEDIA WATCH Unlike some unnamed combat-unit commanders I could name if they weren’t unnamed, I don’t do prophecy. So I have zero ability to predict which stories of mine will blow up. But up this one blew:
Jonathan Larsen @jonathanlarsen.bsky.socialAs a result, I’ve been asked to appear on The Left Hook with Wajahat Ali today. We’ll discuss my reporting over on his Substack today at 1pm eastern time. I hope you can join us!
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One irony that only I may care about, but is instructive about the incentives in journalism, is that this story literally only took me a few hours to do. Others take weeks, or even months of here-and-there work, and vanish without a ripple. That’s the way it is!
Speaking of Prophecy…
Pretty much everyone prophesied this. Pres. Donald Trump’s war with Iran has now spread to pretty much everyone within range of Iran’s missiles and drones.
Which still doesn’t include the U.S.
Two Iranian drones attacked the U.S. embassy in Saudi Arabia this morning. Which, considering that Saudi Arabia secretly pushed Trump to attack Iran, kinda fair. (Not fair to Saudis or U.S. embassy staff, but fair in the bullshit, horrific, realpolitik sense.) Iran has also struck the U.S. embassy in Kuwait, which is now closed, so if you had business there, I hope it Kuwait.
In Lebanon, Israel and Hezbollah have been exchanging fire/killing people. State media said the Lebanese army was fleeing the border as Israel announced its soldiers were going in. To achieve peace!
In a transparent bid for the American people’s sympathy, Iran struck three data centers owned by Amazon, a key Trump military ally. Two were in the United Arab Emirates and one, which was damaged, was in Bahrain.
Iran has also struck energy grids in Qatar and Saudi Arabia, the AP reports, as well as ships in the strategic oil-shipping lane, the Strait of Hormuz, sending oil prices strait up.
It’s not clear how long the U.S. attack on Iran will continue. Or why. Trump said that the U.S. has a “virtually unlimited supply” of ammo, which it does not.
And the president who campaigned against forever wars wrote, “Wars can be fought ‘forever,’ and very successfully, using just these supplies,” which they cannot.
PEOPLE LITERALLY DEAD BECAUSE ASSHOLES RE-ELECTED TRUMP The death toll across the Middle East is already nearing 1,000, with fatalities reported in half a dozen countries:
Iran: Health workers say the U.S. and Israel have killed 787 people since the initial strikes early Saturday morning. Thirteen Iranian troops have also died in U.S./Israeli air strikes.
Israel: Eleven people are reported dead from Iranian missile attacks on multiple locations.
Lebanon: Israel’s rocket-based responses to Hezbollah attacks have killed 52 people.
Kuwait: Six American service members have now died after an Iranian attack on a U.S. logistics unit, in addition to one Kuwaiti civilian.
UAE: Three people have been killed by Iranian attacks.
Bahrain: At least one person has been reported dead.
According to a count by Axios, the violence has now spread to a dozen countries. Iran has now successfully attacked or at least given it the old college try in:
Israel, the UAE, Bahrain, Kuwait and Qatar, all targeted by Iranian ballistic missiles, including attacks on tourist areas in Dubai.
Iraq, where pro-Iranian militias attacked U.S. bases, Iran hit Kurdish targets seen as friendly to the U.S. and Israel, and supporters of Iran’s religious regime tried to storm the U.S. embassy because embassy-storming’s worked out pretty well for Iran’s religious regime so far.
Saudi Arabia and Oman were added to Iran’s to-die list on day two of the conflict, with Iran hitting a Saudi oil facility for the first time since 2019.
Qatar was also targeted — despite, like Oman, attempting to mediate between Iran and the U.S. — and reported shooting down two Iranian fighter jets.
Cyprus, which for some reason didn’t make the cut for Axios, was the destination of an Iranian drone that crashed into a British air base there Sunday, just hours after Prime Minister Keir Starmer announced that he’d let the U.S. use some British bases for a “defensive purpose.”
While the death toll is growing, so is the list of reasons for it. The most recent tally of Trump’s casus bellicosity includes:
Destroying Iran’s nuclear program.
Destroying Iran’s long-range missile program before it exists.
Destroying Iran’s medium-range, short-range, and around-the-house missile programs.
Destroying Iran’s navy.
Ending Iran’s support for terrorist groups and proxies, including Hezbollah in Lebanon, Hamas in Gaza, and Houthi rebels in Yemen.
Changing Iran’s regime to a different regime.
It’s worth noting how many of these goals are inherently temporary. How exactly does one ensure that a technologically advanced country of more than 90 million people never develops the capacity for nuclear weaponry? How does a military campaign in March prevent Iran from reviving alliances in April?
It’s worth noting, if only because lots of people have noted it, that the same con man who conned voters into thinking he’d do some shit for poor people — and then “some” turned out to be “jack” — also conned voters into thinking he wouldn’t jack up people in other countries.
Already, the guy who keeps a pilfered Nobel Peace Prize in his fetish closet has now bombed more countries than any president who wasn’t literally fighting Adolf Hitler and Hideki Tojo and Benito Mussolini simultaneously.
Trump has bombed seven countries. That we know of. That includes zero countries that attacked us first. He’s even bombed countries no other president had ever gotten around to bombing. Here’s the running inventory courtesy of Axios, italics for newcomers:
Iran
Iraq
Nigeria
Somalia
Syria
Venezuela
Yemen
Now, in some of those countries, Trump was bombing not the government, but enemies of the government. On the other hand, we’re not even counting the bombings in Latin American and eastern Pacific waters, so, seven of one, half a butcher’s dozen of the other.
As Axios notes, Trump ordered more air strikes in 2025 than Pres. Joe Biden did in 2021, 2022, 2023, and 2024. Combined.
And leave us not forget those countries still on the bench awaiting their turn:
Colombia
Cuba
Mexico
Here’s a good tour of the legal history of American illegal war stuff, from the Brennan Center’s Katherine Yon Ebright.
Four-½ Quickies
Pres. Donald Trump racked up yet another loss in one of the venues where he hasn’t called in air strikes: The U.S. legal system. The Justice Department Monday said it’s dropping its defense of Trump executive orders attacking law firms he doesn’t like because sometimes they helped Democrats as if this were a free country. Trump ordered government contracts with the firms canceled, along with security clearances and access to government buildings for their lawyers. Four separate judges ordered Trump to go fuck himself and now he has. The once-prestigious firm Paul Weiss was the only one that didn’t fight, and gave Trump $40 million worth of free legal work. Now Paul Weiss stands as the legal field’s lone chickenshit left standing with its dick in its briefs. Because even Trump’s own Justice Department now agrees that the executive orders he threatened Paul Weiss and others with are indefensible.
Ha ha: Trump’s delays in repaying tariff revenues he illegally took from American importers have led some companies to file lawsuits. More than 2,000 lawsuits. Shit, Trump’s gonna need a good lawyer! Times 2,000! Once the companies reclaim that tariff money, they’re expected to refund it to the consumers onto whom they passed those costs. Ha ha.
Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT) and Rep. Ro Khanna (D-CA) are teaming up to introduce a billionaire tax in both chambers. Unlike some other popular proposals, their bill would not make billionaires subject to the death penalty. Instead, it would be a paltry five percent tax, which Republicans have determined would destroy America forever. Even that tiny amount, Sanders’s office says, would generate $4.4 trillion in just ten years, which would be spent on good shit for everyone. Details from Sanders here.
ELECTION WATCH There are many today! Primary season is kicking off with elections in Arkansas and North Carolina. Most notably, Texas Republicans are choosing whether to replace Sen. John Cornyn (R-TX) with state Attorney General and scandal wholesaler Ken Paxton (R-TX), while Democrats are choosing between Rep. Jasmine Crockett (D-TX) and state Rep. James Talarico (D-TX). Lacking majority winners, both races could go to a runoff, as the GOP one is expected to.
I’m too swamped with Christo-fascist military news and too pissed at supplicant Democrats to drill into the Democratic Party response to the U.S.-Iran War as deeply as I should. Yet. Hell, I still have weekend stories I was working on that got, um, blown up by Trump’s attacks Saturday. Idle hands are the devil’s theater of operations, as they say!
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